The Full Stop to my Life.
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Monday, July 6, 2009
11:22 PM
I have to go now and somehow its time. I feel the time's coming for me to finally leave here. The wind is blowing through me and i feel it right into my bones. Crazy but true. This is the end of me and i am enjoying it for all its worth. I have been bleeding too much blood and shedding too much tears for things that are never ever meant to mine. I suffer as i live every single minute, putting on a false smile upon my face. How i wish i meant my smile. I am crushed and fragmented and there is no way that i can be put back now. There is simply just no way. It is not that i haven't tried. But there is something in me that i can no longer control, something evil, something childish and maybe something stupid. I no longer know who i am now and i no longer wish to know.
I remember i once said that people who cannot accept that they have 2 faces do not deserve to live - they are simply nobody. I guess i was talking about me. I never belonged, no matter how hard i tried, my heart doesnt belong to Earth, it doesn't belong to anybody, not even me. Not even me. It's crazy i know but i am missing my soul and i no longer deserve to live.
It may seem stupid to die of something that cannot be physically seen or felt or heard. The notion's stupid and i know but it does happens. People do actually get killed by things which cannot be seen physically or felt physically. They just die because of what they are feeling inside. I feel i am feeling something inside, something that is abnormal, something taht i have never felt before in my entire life and for this i must end myself. Though it cannot be physically seen or felt by me, my heart is slowly falling apart, it is breaking down and it's fragmenting and i cant do anything, any fucking thing about it. My mind is a blank and i dun know why i am typing this. I am not crazy. I am not crazy.
I love you. I love you. I love you. My friends. OMG. I could just die right now because i love you guys so much but just cant really accept you guys into my heart. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. But i love you. But i love you.
Till my tears have gone dry i have cried. For miles and miles i have walked. For years i have been waiting for something that isnt mine all this while. The ticket that i wanted to buy is sold out. The train that i wanted to be on has gone away. When i arrived, its too late. Its been gone 500 miles and i cant chase it back again. Oh what do i do? Do i wait? Or do i just leave because i didn't get onto the right train?
I can no longer stay in this train of life anymore. I will have to tear my ticket i jump off the train myself. That is no longer the train that i am suppose to be on. I was never suppose to be on anything. Its destined. Its my destiny.
So if you are reading this and i certainly hope you will not because it is just so depressing and real and bloody, please know something. I beg of you. My tears have gone dry and i cant continue anymore. My heart has fragmented and i cant piece them back anymore. My mind is so twisted that i cant twist them back anymore. So before i hurt anyone, i shall end myself first. I shall end myself, before anything terrible happens. I will end myself. I will end myself.
But i am too much of a coward to kill myself. I am too afraid of the pills, the height, the blood, the blade. So i shall forget myself. I shall kill myself, by forgetting myself. Then me will no longer exist in my brain. I shall no longer exist in my brain.
It is crazy, i know. I never wanted to be born. I was never my choice. I am sorry, mum, if you happen to read this. Sometimes i just thought everything would be better if i wasnt born. You and dad are good people, so kind and so patience and i never meant to hurt you. But i cant love you guys anymore. I cant love anymore. I cant. It was never in my nature because i never really belonged here. Not one minute, not even one millisecond. I am so sorry but i think you nidda know.
As i look into my reflection in the mirror, i shall no longer recognise the face. All that should be left in the mirror is a cold hard flesh, moving but otherwise nonchalent.
Have you cried rivers before? Once i cried and my entire table was filled with water and mucus.
Have you tried hitting your head on the wall for many times until you black out? Try that. It's awesome.
Have you try to put on an act in front of ur friend to appear normal when u just cant? I have but nvr succeeded.
What is life? I shall forget that word. I shall even forget how to type because typing is boring. I shall forget everything in my fucking universe. I shall get on the train to dooms, i heard they have many tickets left there, there must be one for me. There must be. I belong there.
I am the stupidiest person you will ever get to know. Because only someone dumb enough will put on here her ending speech. I am such an attention seeker and a bitch i know. But i love you nevertheless.
Dun forget i cant love.
And dun forget to use the "fuck". I love that word.
The ones who die are not the ones who don't know but the ones who knew but just ain't so. Cui Fen.
I belong in hell. The Earth's never prepare for someone like me. They simply couldnt put in their minds to understand the concept behind our psychology. Fucking stupid minds. Connect.
Fragmented and fragmented my heart, oh! I just don't get the wind. The wind is blowing and my mind is spinning and the wheels keep churning and my brain keeps freezing. My legs keep soring and my fingers keep numbing and the curtain blows towards me.
Something random for a random world.
I shall end myself before i hurt anyone else. I am a coward, you are the hero. Heroes are the ones who lived. I chose to be a coward because i never will be a hero. And hero has gt 2 words less than coward.
Whale Shark Petition
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Friday, April 24, 2009
9:26 PM
The whale shark is endangered and some freako organization with gigantically huge powers are trying to put it into a fucking aquarism for everyone who visits the Singapore IR (Integrated Resort) to see. Well, this is just fucking stupid because whale sharks die in less than 2 years if they are out of tehir natural habitat, which means the wide open sea. So what is the point of putting a whale shark into a aquarism to kill it ultimately? This petition is to petition against the having of whale shark in IR.
Some people are so fucking stupid. But so are the people who want to watch a whale shark in a pathetically small fish tank!
Right and Wrong
♥ 9:23 PM
I have been doubting myself lately of what i know and what i don't. Who knows the equation between right and wrong is? I might be killing someone but it still right to me, ain't it. Cause conscience exists in the being, not the law or the rules or the books or what ever somebody tried to make me abide.
I am the LAW.
ARE YOU?
Being normal
♥ 9:16 PM
What's normal anyway?
I ask myself this question frequently when i am spending my time in daze. Well teh answer to this question is "I don't know". Seriously, it is about perpectives. Technically, no one's normal. No one is normal to me. Not even myself.
Who knows? I might be spending my days at home listening to some weird indie music, watching som weird indie movies and drinking some stale milk from 1 month ago and not getting sick until 2 wks later.
Fuck knows what's normal.
Beads of cold sweat is dripping from my forehead. Feeling sick right now but i am lucky to have some VCDs to accompany me through these difficult times. I seriously need someone right now. But i am invisible qand you can't see me. Everything's surreal to me. Even the blood. I need it to drip from myself, from my arm, from my wrist. The word suicidal is an unknown word to me.
I hear someone calling me! Is it you? It's you isnt it? I have waited for you for so long, even in my dreams...
Come back, come back to me.
"The Left Out"
♥ 8:59 PM
Have you ever feel so alone and naked in a room full of people because of a reason you cant explain or even talk about? This is for you guys then! My own experience of being a left out.
I was never with anybdoy to begin with. The sun's hanging in the sky with its heat drifting in the air, tasting like salt in your mouth. You look ahead of you and you see everybody, every single person whom you care or not care about. Well i gues you dont really care anymore. Their smiles are impaling themselves into your heart and you do ask yourself nothing. Everything's in silence. They move in motions. They know not you but you know them, though you may not have even talked to them at all. Nobody come up to you. Blank spaces fill your minds and souls and cold sweat starts coming down from yuour palms. Your heart turn solid cold and your brain is swimming in the air, like a fish without directions. You gradually stop breathing and everything seem to ease. The pain from the impalement of smiles and the sight of people in cliques gathering around you make you feel sick. You are truly alone in your own place. Suddenly, the phone in teh canteen rang and you rush to pick it up.
Phone: Hey
You: Hey
Phone: Bye
You know not what just happened and you hung up the phone. Looking at the phone as if it is a lifesaver. You prefer to be by the phone then with humans. But then you still went back in hope of never being alone again.
Yet you are still alone in your own space, with nothing to hold onto. The humans become clouds and you become the wind pushing the clouds to float in this polluted air. But the wind is the purest and you know it. However the wind slowly stops blowing and stays stagnant in the air, it becomes the polluted air, polluting the clouds. The clouds fall and turn into rain.
But there you are still, as human being, feeling butt-naked and alone. Crying in your lonely space. No one to hear you and no one can see. You are invisible. The sun's still beaming on top of you and the clouds floating. the people in front of you are still smiling.
The bell rang.
The Fuck Phrase
♥ 8:51 PM
Currently suffering from heavy bouts of heavy headed-ness, I fell really uncomfortable right now. Not sure why but probably is just another nauseous blog post.
I have been feeling shitty lately and the worst thing is, i know exactly why. Things didnt go according what's planned initially - in which the initially here means in my Yr 1 Sem 1. I have not been planning this headache and heartache then, but well, here i am now suffering from it. Doing another soul searching to check out what i missed out in life. Life is such a small word but yet filled with great meanings. Oh fuck me! I hate big meanings but that is what that make out mi life.
My life lately is shitty. I hate it. I havent hated it since i was sec 3 but now i am hating it again. Something that is done a few days ago made my life shitty. I realise then i am incapable of letting anyone who has entered my life go easily. Technically this should be a difficult thing for the person, but i realise that it is a much difficult thing for me to go through. Of course this may have been an excuse but unfortunately it is not.
Going to teh doctors tmr to check my bp. Hope everything's fine or else i am bringing my sunblock.
CIAO
Freakingly True Post
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Friday, November 7, 2008
9:12 PM
Oh well...So one day i suddenly became this person whom i am just not. All i wanted honestly is to stay grounded and to just lead a safe and happy carefree life with my friends. But this seriously...My dad told me that this would be a good opportunities to correct the wrongs that i have done in the very same post that i am in this time round and my mom told me that as long as you stay trueful to yourself nd do your job well, everything will just go smoothly and i will be a happier person, though still in the exact same place. I guess i will just have to try then.
Before i take up whatever challenges and whatever assignments and projects in the future, i would just like to tell you guys teh amazing journey that i took in CHS the moment i stepped inside and the people whom i eternally grateful to who took me upon this overwhelming road filled with challenges and obstacles.
I don't think i expected anything right from the start. What i expected is t have no friends, bad results and a lifestyle that is so fixed and simple that it would bore anyone to death. But in fact, i am utterly amazed and surprised when i clicked particularly with this group of people who I believe are still cheering on this journey as i type: Doreen, Melody, Yiyuan. They are three individuals with different personalities and backgrounds, however, i just felt that something in me "clicked" instantly when i met them the very first time. Indeed, they took down the mask that i have been having on for a very very long time. Somehow they just seen through me and seen me in my naked and true form. I became whom i want to be and enjoyed greatly when they understood every single thing that came out of my brain - things that i am trying to communicate and having people to come to terms with it for a very long time. I thank them for this wonderous journey that they have put me through and i hope that this will last as long as we shall be.
People whom i have been constantly impressed for a long time - Jun Kang, Eugene, Fangjie, Pearlyn, Zoe. They are some of the inspiration-givers to me. Jun Kang and Eugene are just amazingly fun to talk to and work with and Fangjie gives me and my fellow groupmates the right direction to carry on with a seemingly lifelong string of projects. Although i havent been talking to Pearlyn much, her attitudes towards life and others inspires me greatly. I remember once when Yuan Shan told Pearlyn something about not being confident about the image that she presents to others and how people look at her, Pearlyn said with full force that no one is ever meant to judge anyone - if i didnt rmb wrongly. That sentence gave me a certain direction towards something i never knew could be possible for me. Zoe is just amazing, I mean, even without me exactly talking to her a lot. She just have an aura of charismatic presence - even with her loud personality. That just shows me a completely different order of youth, in a way that i could hardly put in words. These people are just incredible and i honestly and sincerely thank you for having inspired me, even if you guys dunno abt it.
I was and still am an outcast. However, what's different from then and now is i met some of the most generous and open people of my generation. I am eternally grateful. And of course, not forgetting the most precious clique who have made me who i am now - Cheanfei, Yining and etc. They brought me from the depths of psychological hell to where i am now. To them i feel things that i cannot put them into words, as words are just too small to convey how much i am in debt to you guys.
I just want to say that no matter where i am, you guys will always be somewhere in my mind and i will always be appreciative whenever i think of the times when we are working on a project and things and ideas just clicked and found themselves suitable for our situation as we move on. I am deeply grateful to have been able to work with different people and enjoy the experience - something that i am unable to for a very long time, which i consider a form of disability.
As a human being - as me, i dun want to ever be in a place, in a position where i feel satisfied, so this also marks to time to improve myself and to spur myself on. My traits of irresponsibility and laziness i believe, must be improved upon and transform into something positive. My utter disdain for very troublesome things - haiz...i think i needa learn how to take care of them nw.
The directions towards the challenges ahead are still unknown. But no matter what occurs, i ask for your belief in me. When bizarre things arise - things about me, i only ask for your trust. And i shall end this post by saying how eternally grateful i will be towards you guys. I shall stay grounded and be myself no matter what i am and only abide to my rules and principles. For those whom i mentioned in this post, i thank you guys greatly and for those who i have forgot to add in here, i am in debt to you and i tell you that you are somewhere in my mind, surely.
XOXO
